Chuckles of the Week

I been gone for a minute but now I'm back with the jump off...well not really but HELL you get my point. I'ma keep it short because I am supposed to be doing a paper *side eye* but I had to post these pics that gave me some hard laughs.

1) Oscar nomination?

Now I've made it clear that I am not fond of Rihanna but I admit the trick cleans up nice. No I did not tune in for the entire "EPIC" -_- interview but my mother and I tuned in for 2 seconds until my mother got pissed off and yelled "I CANNOT TAKE THIS BITCH AND HER ACT! IT'S LIKE SHE IS AUDITIONING FOR A MOVIE ROLE AND TRYING TO BE SHARON STONE IN 'BASIC INSTINCT'!" Well, well, well, low and behold what Stuff Fly People Like posted this morning:



My momma is one smart cookie. Anywho on to the next one, I don't talk about Chris and Rihanna on here. And 'Burn' by Usher is playing from my laptop and that song makes me cry so I'm feeling a lil sad for my Chris lmao. Nah just playing. Muhfuckas need to hush up and release them albums!



2) I Refuse Thee!



I saw this madness on Bossip the other night. I have never been a fan of female-ized sneakers. Those high heeled Manolo Timbs were cute back in 2004 but now I might have to trip you if I see you in any high heeled sneaker. Sneakers were made to be flat. You wanna wear comfy heels then find a pair of sturdy ones until then NO! And this chick had the nerve to come out the house looking like she does in those damn leggings and hell just her damn self. The bad weave is just killing me. Why people so pressed to have blonde hair? I'm sorry but it's not for you. NEXT!

3) Poor Kitty Kat



Do I really need words? I'm just shocked at his perm not being in order.

Late Night Chuckle

I have been watching The Simpsons ever since I was wittle me and this has always been one of my favorite moments:



I laughed until I cried lol.

Well you know B. Scott could not leave this fxckery untouched. Best response video lol:

Come Get Your Cousin...

Why won't this boy learn his lesson?
Who the hell keeps leaving him alone in that hallway with a mac?
Why isn't anyone watching him so he can stop further embarassment?
Since when is sexually harassing a fold up chair sexy?
Since when does he make jewlery?
And for life of me can people learn to spell when they are insulting people? Nigaz? Really? I don't condone that word, although it may slip out sometimes but dang it! Spell it right if your gonna use it in an insulting manner, sheesh!
I tell you, people just don't learn.
More laughs for you and I!

*starts singing* We gon' get it tipsy, we gon' get it tipsy...

Something Of Massive No Bueno Proportions...

My friend and I were talking about how good 'Boyfriend #2' would have sounded with the rest of Pretty Ricky. I am not going to deny it, I used to be a hardcore Pretty Ricky fan [don't lie you know you were too]. I went to their concert, got their autograph, knew all those nasty lil lyrics and listned to them damn near everyday in 9th grade. Since Pleasure left and they brough in this new fool, I just couldn't continue with them. First off, this fool's name is Lingerie. Secondly, he never takes off his sunglasses. Thirdly, he just isn't as good as Pleasure. This post is not about him oh no, no no, THIS POST is about reason #2 for me disowning Pretty Ricky: Spectacular. He was my favorite, lawd knows he was but this shxt right here...nah b I have to disown this mofo right now. This fxckery has been on Mediatakeout and countless other blogs but I couldn't pass it up. This fool actually posted this on myspace [it was in my bullitens section lol]. Take a gander:



Pretty Ricky is officially done!
What the fck is this fool doing in some pink panties? Is it me or does he match the paint on the wall? Pleasure boy you got out just in time I swear. I can't with this boy today. He is just licking his hands, touching himself, gyrating, and all serious with his tom foolery. As my mother would say: boy go siddung! I think these are the most tags I have ever done on a post because this video is that horrendous. I have never laughed so hard. Sexy Spec...darling you get a healthy dose of:



Jay & Bey do not approve.

*Kanye Voice* You Lose!

Charles Hamilton isn't my most favorite person in the entire world. His voice is annoying and he is funny looking but I do like some of his songs. I'm not even gonna lie, if 'Brooklyn Girls' didn't utter the line "Damn sure ain't nothing like a Brooklyn girl" and had a nice beat I woulda passed that shxt straight. I do fxcks with 'Pure Imagination', 'Rockstar Girl', and a few of his other tracks but back to the topic. This shxt right here, this shxt right here is the funniest thing I have seen ALLLLLLLLLL day. Like literally it made me give a Flavor Flav 'WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW'. See what happens when you get really outta pocket and disrespectful...



See Charlie Ham you should have known better than to fxck with a Brooklyn girl. You rub us the wrong way, we will rock ya jaw. And yes that's a warning.

*disclaimer* I don't know where the hell she is from but she sound a lil Harlemish or South Side Jamaica Queensish [you know they talk funny out in those parts].

Ear Candy: HALLE BERRYYYYY HALLE BERRY!

HAHA!!! FINALLY! This song has been playing on Music Choice for a hot minute now, since January I think. The Dreamgirls love this song and even though it would be considered bad music, we adore it. Sure as hell better than Soulja Boy [I'm not even gonna lie I have 'Turn My Swag On' on my ipod =x ]

Pharrell Baby...Everything Will Be Alright

Are these people aware that Pharrell Williams aka my 4th boo is standing in their presence??? I would have given him anything he wanted out of the McDonalds free of charge. Smh some heifers just don't know. GIVE THE DAMN MAN A BURGER!

Mufasa?

Ya know...I give up. Walking around lookin like Mufasa's illegitimate cousin. BOO first lady of Cameroon!

What The Eff...

Well I just peeped the 'Prom Queen' video by Lil Wayne and at the end of the video this song [the one above] came on. I am like what the fxck is this and then I go listen to it. I don't know why but this song makes me laugh sooooooo hard. It's the beat combined with the lyrics that has me in a roll.

Try me baby, Try me baby
I'm the shit, I'm the shit
Love me darling, Love me darling
don't you, don't you

Kiss me baby, Kiss me baby
I'm the shit, I'm the shit
Feed me mama, Feed me mama
I want you, I want you

Bless me angel, Bless me angel
Tick tick tick, you're the bomb
I will be your Vietnam
Tick tick tick, you're the bomb

The fck? CTFU! LMFAO!
So this is the best rapper alive huh?
Stupid people.

A Fresh Batch of FMLs.

ONCE AGAIN not my failures but the loses of others that I enjoy laughing at:

1)Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML [*shudder*]

2)Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML. [CTFU! LMMFBAO!!!]

3)Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML [you tight! lmao]

4)Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML [now that right there is some nxgga shxt smh]

5)Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML [this is why I refuse to fall asleep in school lol]

6)Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML [now this shxt right here, this shxt right here is some nxgga shxt]

7)Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML [say it with me: dumb..ass lol]

8)Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: “The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating.” My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML [oh no i just feel bad lol]

9)Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]

10)Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML [mothers are not right i swear lol]

*A STOMACH TURNING SPECIAL*

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML [*PUKE*]

and something a little extra...

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

FML.:: Sex Edition

Prepare to laugh your ass off...literally. You already know the drill, not my failures in life.

1)Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

2)Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

3)Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML [FAIL!]

4)Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

5)Today, my boyfriend called, asking, before I could even talk, to bring a condom- NOW. I had to smile at this request. I went to his house. A blond girl opened the door. He followed shortly, surprised to see me. I'm Celine. She's Cecile. Our names are one apart on his cell. She's my sister. FML [females ain't shat! especially family smh]

6)Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

7)Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML [LMFAO! that was righteous]

8)Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML [So maybe Chris Brown can use that alaby? I was wrong for that one lmfao]

9)Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "Be my baby's daddy!" I couldn't get out in time. FML [Trappin' ass bxtch lol]

10)Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML [Now that right there is some niggashyt smh]

*Trifilin' Bxtch Special*
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

FML.

Not my fails but the loses of others that I find hilarious...

1)Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom. It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML

2)Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomache hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and proceeded to take a huge dump. Turns out I chose the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

3)Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

4)Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

5)Today, an old girlfriend from years ago wanted to have lunch. Seeing as I had nothing to do, I went with her. She introduced me to her son. Apparently I am the father. My son is 6. FML

7)Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML [see I woulda gave mom dukes the one finger salute]

8)Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while, and my dad said, "honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

9)Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!". I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

10)Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

New Segment: FML.

Okay last one I swearrrrrr!!!
Everyone has finally discovered fmylife and as much as I tried to keep it a secret it obviously failed so...enjoy this one.

"Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML."

LMFAO!
Poor you perv.